Owen is Quitting

As many of you know, Owen was once a die-hard tobacco smoker. As the founder and prophet of a new religion, he recently found it necessary to quit this NASTY HABIT. He can now more effectively lead by example. Luckily, I am here to document his "harrowing path to righteousness." He's now 3 days into an epic journey of quitting that wacky tobacky, and he's already lost his mind.

But today, he did have some words of advice for his faithful followers. Given his current state, these lines may be considered Owenism's Satanic Verses. They were uttered from a clearly intoxicated prophet.

Beat your child twice a day. If you don't know why, he will.

Beat your child twice a day, he'll be less likely to touch himself crying all night long keeping you awake until you have a outburst at work which ends with your family tearfully waving you off to the Looney Farm.

All I can say is don't be scared, young Owenists. Our dear leader will return, sane and stable!