This is a recent conversation with our Dear Leader, now in day 5 or 6 of quitting smoking. He is obviously quite beside himself with madness.
Owen: I'll kill you
me: Wow that's not befitting a religious teacher
Owen: You are part of my flock
me: I'll kill you back
Owen: We'll kill each other and TRANSCEND
Magical, magical words from a simply magical man.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
3 Tenets of Owenism
By now we know that Owenism is a lazy religion of excess, debauchery, and (wylie) tomfoolery. But finally, some rules have been handed down - straight from the man himself! In order to be a proper Owenist, it has been established as necessary to follow a few basic tenets, their addenda, appendices, ephemera, etc. and any heretofore unmentioned laws reserved to your local Owenist clergy.
Tenet #1 What are you talking about? Send Owen some money! .... to help build a monastery or something.
Tenet #2 Write a thesis about Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea. A radical feminist teacher will laugh at you, then forget what you were talking about. Biblical allegory my ass!
Tenet #3 In case of emergency, keep a dime in your shoe! It may help you bargain for your worthless life.
Follow these and the way to salvation is assured! Sway from the righteous path, and you'll find yourself hiding under the bedsheets, cowering in fear!
Tenet #1 What are you talking about? Send Owen some money! .... to help build a monastery or something.
Tenet #2 Write a thesis about Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea. A radical feminist teacher will laugh at you, then forget what you were talking about. Biblical allegory my ass!
Tenet #3 In case of emergency, keep a dime in your shoe! It may help you bargain for your worthless life.
Follow these and the way to salvation is assured! Sway from the righteous path, and you'll find yourself hiding under the bedsheets, cowering in fear!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Owen is Quitting
As many of you know, Owen was once a die-hard tobacco smoker. As the founder and prophet of a new religion, he recently found it necessary to quit this NASTY HABIT. He can now more effectively lead by example. Luckily, I am here to document his "harrowing path to righteousness." He's now 3 days into an epic journey of quitting that wacky tobacky, and he's already lost his mind.
But today, he did have some words of advice for his faithful followers. Given his current state, these lines may be considered Owenism's Satanic Verses. They were uttered from a clearly intoxicated prophet.
Beat your child twice a day. If you don't know why, he will.
Beat your child twice a day, he'll be less likely to touch himself crying all night long keeping you awake until you have a outburst at work which ends with your family tearfully waving you off to the Looney Farm.
All I can say is don't be scared, young Owenists. Our dear leader will return, sane and stable!
But today, he did have some words of advice for his faithful followers. Given his current state, these lines may be considered Owenism's Satanic Verses. They were uttered from a clearly intoxicated prophet.
Beat your child twice a day. If you don't know why, he will.
Beat your child twice a day, he'll be less likely to touch himself crying all night long keeping you awake until you have a outburst at work which ends with your family tearfully waving you off to the Looney Farm.
All I can say is don't be scared, young Owenists. Our dear leader will return, sane and stable!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Life is Spressful
Owen once said "life is spressful." Truer words have not since been spoken.
On stressful days, or special days, I spend a lot of time worrying. Then I think of these great words of wisdom from Owen, via his friend P Diddy: "if you're not drinking Ciroc vodka, then you're drinking pee pee."
On stressful days, or special days, I spend a lot of time worrying. Then I think of these great words of wisdom from Owen, via his friend P Diddy: "if you're not drinking Ciroc vodka, then you're drinking pee pee."
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
the Cult of Owen
You may note I have changed the name and layout of this blog once again. I've decided to focus even more in-depth on our good friend and dear leader Owen. In fact, I've established a religion in his name. It is not your father's Owenism, however, but a new movement promoting awkward social moments, Siamese cats, and really neat banjo music. A new era for all!
This is a famous self-portrait of Owen:
Due to his scrawny nature, this will be Owenism's official logo:
This is a famous self-portrait of Owen:
Due to his scrawny nature, this will be Owenism's official logo:
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Shrewd, Yes
I am returned from the GLORY of Southern Florida, where summer is 24/7. I spent all my life savings. After my last pyramid scheme, I was already treading on thin financial ice. Now I can't buy a Maserati in 50 years, like I had once dreamed of.
In more important news, Owen has flatly denied my requests to play chess for a number of weeks. He is "too busy." He used to just make coffee for the bossman who'd say "You there, Jibboo, grab me a snack and some of that Starbucks!" Now Owen, presumably still a temporary at his job in the big city, is making scones or sweeping under the doormats. It must be something significantly more involved, but we can only guess, because Owen is too busy to even TELL US, my dear readers, what he has been doing.
I may have to resort to more shrewd actions...
In more important news, Owen has flatly denied my requests to play chess for a number of weeks. He is "too busy." He used to just make coffee for the bossman who'd say "You there, Jibboo, grab me a snack and some of that Starbucks!" Now Owen, presumably still a temporary at his job in the big city, is making scones or sweeping under the doormats. It must be something significantly more involved, but we can only guess, because Owen is too busy to even TELL US, my dear readers, what he has been doing.
I may have to resort to more shrewd actions...
Friday, March 5, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Band Names
In my infinite free time, I like to sit around and think about rock music, and how, if I could play an instrument like Owen, I would think of a great band name. I think mine would be Celebutante Trebuchet.
Kinda like this:
Oh, she fine. But she belongs in a trebuchet, being launched across the medieval landscape. Tell me if you think of any other good band names?
Kinda like this:
Oh, she fine. But she belongs in a trebuchet, being launched across the medieval landscape. Tell me if you think of any other good band names?
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