Owen the (great)

Owen was a sailor, but he fell overboard.

When Owen swam to shore he found work as a bum, but the bridge he slept under was too leaky.

He got tired of the wet, so Owen traded blows with the greatest boxers the ring has ever known. He was the punching bag.

Owen never knew the glory of the office job, until he found a temp. position in the neatest little realty office.

He didn't do his job though, instead he looked at stuff like this online. One day his boss found him, and threw him out the door.

Owen is a very crass person

I know it's been a while since I updated this blog, but I just had to mention that Owen is a very crass individual. He really has no sense of shame or moral obligation to the world and he basically does what he wants, disregarding the consequences, dire as they may be. What a sicko!

In other news, Owen has formed a new band. He declined my stellar suggestion for an album title "The Guillotine of Love" and went instead with something some idiot suggested. His new band, King Owl, apparently has some cute girls in it, which is always a draw. Unfortunately the name of his album will stymie its sales on the broader market.

In other other news, Owen's new band no longer has the Star Wars guy. This may save his album after all.

Owen burned his tongue

Last night, Owen burned his tongue. Is it burned or burnt? Guess it depends on where you're from.

Go back to your Jazz Ensemble

Owen has decided it's time to change musical styles. ABOUT TIME! The crap his band has been putting out lately is just pure crap. The crappiest crap in Shit City.

My advice: Get rid of that damn clarinetist already! Sounds like the Star Wars scene in Jabba's Palace. Toot toot we get the point! Go back to your Jazz Ensemble you jerk!

We've Got a Whiner!

Owen seems to have succeeded in his endeavor to quit smoking. Huzzah! Things are looking up. It's been something like three months now, and he acts normal and seems stable. Best of all, no more $100 cartons of Camels. No more stinky smell or stained fingers. No more sore throats. But on the other hand, he's got a meager social life and NO hot girlfriend.

This lack fuels a silent rage teeming beneath Owen's seemingly innocuous smile. He doesn't feel angry, and he doesn't show it. He actually feels pretty good, kind of numb-like. But Owen is a mangled half man-beast inside, screaming for freedom from his worldly domain, crying like a banshee at the moon, slaying children in the night. Owen is the true son of Cain (if Cain had a child with the Hulk and the Boston strangler), both superhero and super-villain. I've seen it with my own eyes.

Yes behind that boy's sheepish grin is a thousand-degree pit of acid that threatens to boil over, at any time. That acid rage has been growing since his birth, slowly getting hotter and hotter. Owen pretends he can manage it. He takes a lot of TUMS. He pretends everything's OK. But I've seen it with my own eyes. He once came in second place in a man-sandwich-eating competition. He also recently came in second place in a two-person Risk game. That incredible boiling rage threatens even the bravest souls, and when Owen doesn't win, he just whines and whines. Like he's about to boil over.

The Week of the Bacon (Bacon Week)

Rejoice, young Owenists!

Owen's command to "eat bacon everyday all week, sometimes twice a day" goes into effect immediately. Bacon consumption is to be followed by a long period of rest and usually involves libations to the great Prophet Liam Neeson.

The story goes that bacon was the preferred meat of the Olympians before Owen vanquished them, replacing the gods with goofy, grinning statues of himself. His consumption of the fatty hog meat sent Owen into a stupor which lasted an entire week. When Owen finally recovered from his bacon binge, he had ascended his throne to divinity.

Today, Owen began a trend soon to be followed across the world. Bacon Week, also hereby known as the Feast of Owen or "The Week of the Bacon" occurs annually during the final week of April.

This is also the first official holiday of the Owenist religion. The Feast of Owen is "a fun holiday, bringing joy to many," and "cardiac arrest to few."


Devoted followers of bacon Owen:

Tonight

Tonight, Owen was incredible. He was on a cloud. He was untouchable. Simply unbelievable. Quote of the night: "me chinese, me play joke, me go pee pee in your coke"

Sit and ponder, young Owenists.

Owen's Childhood Home

The house in the center of this photograph is Owen's childhood home. It's since been converted into a brothel and even more recently, been abandoned. Owen grew from such humble roots to ascend the throne of Owenism, his very own religion. His crown is set with beautiful stones. His robe flows like a thousand rivers. And yet he still works late at the real estate place.

It takes Neeson to know Neeson

Owenism has long been associated with the Cult of Neesonism, a little-known group of believers in a spiritual Oneness taken in the form of the actor Liam Neeson.

Elusive Owenists Photographed

A photograph was recently released, depicting an Owenist congregation deep in prayer.